Funny Christmas Song Lyrics 2

 

 

Funny Christmas Lyrics  1  [ A - L ]  /  Funny Christmas Lyrics  2   [ M - Z ]

 

Aussie Christmas/Winter ChristmasCarols / Rockin'  & Romantic Christmas / Funny Christmas


 
 
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Menopause Is Coming To Town

 

Oh you better watch out
She’s starting to cry
She’s starting to pout
And I’m telling you why
Menopause is coming to town

She’s having trouble sleeping
She’s a bitch when she’s awake
So get yourself a mallet
And a real sharp wooden stake

Oh you better watch out
I’m telling you straight
For your sake I hope
It’s just a period’s late
Cause menopause ain't coming to town



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Merry Christmas From The Family

 

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk
At our Christmas party
We were drinkin' champagne punch
And homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him
Til he sang Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins
From his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kaye
Who talks all about AA
Chain smokin' while the stereo plays
Noel, Noel, The first Noel

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Mix Margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quik-Pak store
We need some ice and an extension cord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rite
A box of pampers , some Marlboro Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fran and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw the breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night
Oh Silent Night o' holy night

Carve the turkey turn the ballgame on
Mix Bloody Marys cause we all want one
Send somebody to the Stop 'n Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprite
A box of midol, some Salem Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Feliz Navidad!






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Parking Spaces

 

Parking space is hard to find
During Christmas season
Looking all around the lot
Some place you can squeeze in
When you finally find a place
You’ll be disappointed
It’s set aside for handicapped
Specially anointed

This one’s marked for compact cars
Not my big rear ender
Some Yugo owner’s shopping cart
Scratched our Caddy’s fender
Egad!
When that Beemer cuts in front
Swerving while you linger
Peace on earth, good will to men
Put down that middle finger

Oh, look! He’s waving at us.
Oh hello my good man. Hello.
Hello. Is he from the yacht club, dear?
I don’t know. He’s signalling something.
No, no, you’re number one. You’re number one.
Oh, how lovely.

Parking space is hard to find
In the Christmas season
All you do is drive around
No one’s ever leavin’
When you finally reach the store
Your heart is filled with sorrow
They kill the lights and lock the doors
Sorry, we’re closed up already.
Try again tomorrow
Oh, please let me in.
Sorry, lady.
But I finally found a parking spot!
Really?
Come again tomorrow
Congratulations!

 


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Police Stop My Car

 

Police stopped my car, Police stopped my car
The police made me stop, walk a straight line and blow a balloon up
Police stopped my car, Police stopped my car
The police made me stop, walk a straight line and blow a balloon up
They wanna wish me a sober Christmas
That's why they always pull me over Christmas
They say they're just making sure
That there's no open bottles in my car
They wanna wish me a sober Christmas
That's why they always pull me over Christmas
They say they're just making sure
That there's no open bottles in my car
Police road block, Police road block,
Police road block
I can smell their donuts as they smell my breath
Police road block, Police road block,
Police road block
I can smell their donuts as they smell my breath
They wanna wish me a sober Christmas
That's why they always pull me over Christmas
They're gonna let me out on bail this Christmas
From the bottom of their hearts
Police locked me up, Police locked me up,
The Police locked me up, 'cause when I blew, I blew a two point one

 





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Redneck 12 Days Of Christmas

 

Wow, somebody done been to the WalMart!
(Jeff) Man, this is the stuff I got for Christmas.
Well you cleaned up! Whadya git?

Five flannel shirts
Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two hunting dogs
... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

Hey Bubba, you got gypped -- there's 12 days to Christmas.
(Jeff) I know that, I got it covered. Look over in the corner.
That's yours too?
Yea!

Chorus:
Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven Wrastling tickets
Ten o' Copenhagen
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Seven packs of Redman
Six cans of Spam
Five flannel shirts
Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two hunting dogs
... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

Man, this ain't normal Christmas presents!
No, they're redneck gifts!
Redneck gifts?
Yea, you know, like
if you buy your wife earrings that double as fishing lures.
Or, if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells"
Perhaps if you think "The Nutcracker" is something you did off a high-dive.
Or, if you've ever misspelled something in Christmas lights.
Or, if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus.

What's wrong with that?
I didn't say anything wrong with it...
It's hard to beat...

Chorus:
Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven Wrastling tickets
Ten o' Copenhagen
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Seven packs of Redman
Six cans of Spam
Five flannel shirts
Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two hunting dogs
... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

Well, you can't really consider it a Christmas
'less you go down to the penitentiary and visit your mama.
You're not listenin' to me!
Get the car key outta your ear.
That's where the nine years probation comes in...
I'm gonna do it for ya again.
Now listen...

Chorus:
Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven Wrastling tickets
Ten o' Copenhagen
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Seven packs of Redman
Six cans of Spam
Five flannel shirts
Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two hunting dogs
... And some parts to a Mustang GT.


 

 



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Rudolph Got A DUI


Now we’ve all had that bad at work
When nothing went right and boss was yelling at you
and tools dropped on your foot
And you went home and you might have had a drink
Well what if you were a reindeer
And you had to pull a sleigh with a big fat man
and a bag of toys and you had 8 other reindeer
at you all night long
that might drive you to drink
well that’s what it did to Rudolph

Well this is one I wrote and it’s one of my favourites

Rudolph got a DUI
Now you all know the story of Rudolph
But I bet you didn’t know he got himself a DUI
Seems he’d been drinking all night long
And that boy went out and he tried to fly
Now all of the other reindeer
Oh they sat around that bar and they cheered
Because you know what they never liked old Rudolph
But he’s gone now he’s serving 15 years
Here didn’t used to be this way it all came out one night
He didn’t want to pull that sleigh
Cause he knew Santa wasn’t light

Now that’s when the trouble started because he started drinking
Well some of Santa Claus’ elves they can all hold their liquor
but as you all know reindeer don’t fair so well
His eyes were crossed and his speech was slurred
He staggered through the sky
He almost hit the moon that night
and threw out the big fat guy

Well all good things must come to end
And that’s when the sky cops stopped him
and they made him walk that line
You ain’t gonna believe this but he blew a 3 point 2
and now he’s chillin serving time
He blew a 3 point 2 now he’s chillin serving time
And here’s a little tip from Uncle Billy
Don’t try to drink and fly
Get yourself a designated flyer
Set me up again bartender

Well all stories have an ending and I happen to know
this one is a happy ending
Rudolph’s on the wagon he hasn’t touched a drop in over 20 years
And now that’s why all your toys are there
when you wake up Christmas morning.


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Christmas Party Song

(Parody of From This Moment On by The Carpenters)


It’s Christmas time and I’m in trouble
Got too drunk at the company affair
Sat on the copier, wore no apparel
Did it on a dare

Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger
Pinched his butt poured beer in his toupee
Till someone said, “You don’t know the danger.”
“The boss’s friend is gay”

More beer for you and for me
And stories for us to share
No fear, I jumped on a desk
And danced while everyone stared

I didn’t even know I put on a show
Till next morning take a look at that
It’s faxed to one and all
Merry Christmas to one and all

It’s Christmas time at the office party
We’ll get drunk, and do annoying things
I grabbed the boss’s wife by the ass
And had myself a fling

We’ll goose a friend and tell off a manager
Piss him off and send him on his way
And have a toast to laugh at his anger
Pink slips on the way
“You’re Fired!”

More beer for you and for me
And stories for us to share
No fear, I’m happy to table dance
On cubicle square

She didn’t even know she put on a show
Until the next morning, take a look at that
It’s posted on the internet
Merry Christmas to one and all!

“You’re fired! Oh, and uh, Merry Christmas!”



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Rummy Rocker Boy

also known as Rum Pa Pum Pum



(Parody of Peace On Earth by Bing Crosby and David Bowie)


Hello. Are you Bing Crosby?

Oh son, unfortunately old dear Bingo he passed away some time ago.
I’m just an incredibly charming simulation.

Oh right! Hiding out like that Elvis fellow. Don’t worry, Bingo.
Your secret’s safe with me.

Hmm. Let me get the door now.

Well, my name is Roach.

Roach?

Perhaps you have heard of my band, Vomit?

No, I don’t believe I have.

Oh, do you like death metal music?

Oh certainly, it’s marvellous. Some of that contemporary stuff is really, really fine.
So tell me. Do you ever listen to any of us old fellows?

Oh you mean like Ozzy and Judas Priest and stuff?

Oh so you go back that far huh?

Oh yeah, yeah. I’m not as young as I look.

Really?

I’ll let you in on a little secret Bing. This ain’t my real hair. It’s a fake

Why that is Marvellous! It’s amazing what they do with those synthetics these days.

And I got a whole closet of this young stuff at home.
I got plugs and extensions, collagen implants. I’ve even got a red and green mistletoe codpiece that I wear on stage at Christmas time.

How traditional! So I guess you and your boys you go in for all of the holiday stuff this time of year.

Oh yeah, yeah. Big light shows, pyrotechnics, animal sacrifice.

You too, huh? I love slicing up the turkey and stringing up the lights.
And throwing a Yule log on the fire. I tell you, that’s how you get that holiday spirit.

Say, Bing, speaking of spirits, have you got anything around here
besides this orange juice?

Oh I catch your drift Sergeant. What say we march over here to the corner
and rustle up a little holiday cheer for you? Well step right over this way, son.
We’ll investigate the libations on tap, as it were.

I believe I know the way, Bing.

Are you ready?

I’m born ready.

Allow me.

Come I’ll pour you some rum pum pum pum
A drink with Bing will warm my tummy tum tum
You’re gonna get a little portly.
Excellent, Bing.
Our finest crystal clinks pah rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Watch out for the rug

Oh never mind. The dog’s already stained it anyway.

Now be careful son that is 151
Open the mouth over the gums
Don’t drink so fast that would be dummy dumb dumb
Look out liver, here it comes.
I’ve poured a fifth for him it’s practically gone
Is that all you got?
It was the finest blend of virgin dark rum
Rum is all done
Rum is all gone

Oh, that’s a spot of bad news, Bing.

Easy now, Chester, my boy. That’s some pretty strong stuff.
With no Minute Maid in there, this is high Octane we’re talking about.

Bartender a round on me
Here’s to you and cheers to me
Keep the Bacardi flowing
Right this way I need a refill
Hit me please hit me glass again
Peace on earth

Hey, how about a steaming hot cup of black coffee?

I’ve gotta pee.

Now Chester, my boy, looks like you’ve already let the cat out of the bladder.

Sorry.

He gotta pee.

Well the handy mop’s over there in the closet. You think you can handle that?
Thank you, very much. Hey, what was the name of that band of yours again?

(Blaaahh!)

Oh! Oh, yeah, I remember.

Sorry about your shoes.


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Santa Claus is Fooling Around

 

(Parody of Santa Claus is Coming to Town)
Hi Santa, I been waiting all year for you to come down my chimney.

”It’s all cold after midnight mass and the wind’s whippin’ through the church parking lot. Hey Band, your girlfriend’s been actin’ funny lately?
“No, man”….
“Hey Big Man, your old lady been walkin’ around really funny, like she’s been with a really big man?”
“Yeah”
“Oh man that’s not good. You guys been finding Christmas cookie crumbs in your bed and maybe a red stocking cap in the bathroom that ain’t yours?
Oh man, I think I know what’s goin’ on around here.”

You better watch out for that holiday guy
You shouldn’t go out
I’m tellin’ you why
Santa Claus is foolin’ around
Santa’s out North Polin’ around
Santa Claus is foolin’ around

He’s checkin’ his list
He’s grabbin’ his fly
He’s leavin’ his gift
Then hittin’ the sky
Santa Claus is foolin’ around
Santa’s clothes are hittin’ the ground
Santa’s with your woman right now

Oh Santa
He creeps in when they’re sleepin’
He charms them with his wink
He’s doin’ stuff no Santa should
Oh yeah
You better get home for Christmas sake
Oh yeah
Better get home and don’t be late

You better watch out for that man in the sky
You better not trust that jolly old guy
Santa Claus is foolin’ around
Santa Claus is runnin’ around
Mrs. Claus is huntin’him down

”Booyah, booyah
Who’s been a naughty girl
Who’s your Santa
Who’s your Santa
Prancer, Vixen…Hohohoho!”


Is that a candy cane in your pocket?

Santa Claus is foolin’ around
Set em’ up in every town
Santa Claus is screwing around
Oh yeah
Santa’s clothes are hittin’ the ground
Santa’s at the chimney now
Oh yeah
Slidin’ in the bedroom now
Oh Santa
Santa Claus is foolin’ around

Oh you have to go already? I know you’re busy. Call me?

Ho ho ho!

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Santa's Gonna Come in a Pickup Truck

 

Well I've been sorta worried
About Santa Claus this year
Cause we live way down south
And it didn't snow down here
But I'm telling you not to worry
Cause I just got the word
Everybody listen closely
And I'll tell you what I heard

Santa's comin in a pickup
Instead of his trusty sleigh
He'll have a truck instead of reindeer
To carry him on his way
Cause the weatherman had some problems
He couldn't get snow you see

Santa's gonna come in a pickup truck
When he visits you and me

Santa can't bring his reindeer
He'll leave them far away
But don't you worry 'bout him
He's gonna be here Christmas day
He's got a big red pickup
With four-wheel drive and all
And there's gonna be a Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas for all

Santa's gonna come in a pick up truck
When he visits you and me
 



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O Come All Ye Grateful Deadheads

O come, all ye Grateful,
Deadheads to the concert.
O come, Grateful Deadheads,
And camp in the street.
Bring rolling papers,
Don't forget your sleeping bags.
O come get us some floor seats,
We've followed them for four weeks,
O come get us some floor seats,
To see the Lord.
O come, all ye hippies,
Throwbacks to the Sixties.
Paint flowers on your van,
And don't wash your feet.
Wear your bell-bottoms,
And your tie-dye t-shirts.
O come let us adore them,
We've quit our day jobs for them,
O come let us adore, them,
Garcia's the Lord.

 


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Snoopy's Christmas

 

The news had come out in the First World War
The bloody Red Baron was flying once more

The Allied command ignored all of its men
And called on Snoopy to do it again.

Was the night before Christmas, 40 below
When Snoopy went up in search of his foe
He spied the Red Baron, fiercely they fought
With ice on his wings Snoopy knew he was caught.

Christmas bells those Christmas bells
Ring out from the land
Asking peace of all the world
And good will to man

The Baron had Snoopy dead in his sights
He reached for the trigger to pull it up tight
Why he didn't shoot, well, we'll never know
Or was it the bells from the village below.

Christmas bells those Christmas bells
Ringing through the land
Bringing peace to all the world
And good will to man

The Baron made Snoopy fly to the Rhine
And forced him to land behind the enemy lines
Snoopy was certain that this was the end
When the Baron cried out, "Merry Christmas, my friend"

The Baron then offered a holiday toast
And Snoopy, our hero, saluted his host
And then with a roar they were both on their way
Each knowing they'd meet on some other day.

Christmas bells those Christmas bells
Ringing through the land
Bringing peace to all the world
And good will to man

 

 

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The Real Slim Santa

 

 

May I have your attention please,
May I have your attention please,
Will the real Slim Santa please stand up.
I repeat will the real Slim Santa please stand up.
We're gonna have a problem here.

You all act like you've never seen Santa before,
Toys all over your floor, who the hell ya think brought them?
It wasn't your drunk dad or your mother that whore,
It was me and now I'm skinny and I'll tell you the score.
Its the return of Christmas but not the jolly fat elf,
my ass got so big I couldn't wipe it myself.
My doctor said, "Santa you've never looked worse, lose 200 pounds
or your heart's gonna burst."
Everybody loved me big and fat
ho-ho-ho,
Big ass Santa look at him walking around,
his belly like jelly, have some more eggnog.
They didn't give a *fuzz* if my arteries clogged,
So I said *fuzz* them and I joined a gym.
Started eating low-fat cookies and drinking milk that was skim.
I lost so much weight I can see my candy cane,
and Mrs. Clause is happy I can *fuzz* her again.
(Your name is on my list) x2,
and if your nice, not naughty I might give you a little gift.
But here's a message for you if your a big fat slob,
If your gut is in the way your girl won't bobble your knob.
You can't expect a hoe to gobble your goo,
if you just sit there eating twinkies,
watching Scooby Doo.
If you ain't nothing but chubby,
no girl wants a fat hubby, you'll end
up working construction.
Your love life lies in ruins and destruction,
by the time your 30 you'll be asking Santa for liposuction.
But if your thin you'll get seduction,
underneath the mistletoe.
Sing the chorus and it goes!

I'm Slim Santa, yes I'm the real Kringle.
All you fly girls like my balls cause they jiggle,
so won't the Real Slim Santa please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up.
Cause I'm Slim Santa, yes I'm the Saint Nick.
All you other fat Santa's can suck my fat *fuzz*,
so won't the Real Slim Santa please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up.

Ho-Ho-Ho I guess there's a Slim Santa in all of us.
On Donner on Blitzen lets get the *fuzz* out of here!
WEESSSTTTSIDEEEEE (echoed)


 



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The Red-Nosed Drag Queen



All right y'all
Here's the story of the legendary queens
There's Dasher, Dancer, Prancy, Vixen,
Lady Comet, Cupid, Donna and Blitzcity
But child do you remember the
fanciest drag queen of them all?

Ru Paul the red-nosed drag queen [drag queen]
Had a very shiny nose
and if you ever saw it [saw it]
you would even say it glows
All of the other drag queens [drag queens]
used to laugh and call her names
They never let poor Ru Paul [Ru Paul]
join in any drag queen games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say
Ru Paul with your nose so bright [so bright]
won't you star in my [show tonight] show tonight
Then how the drag queens loved her [loved her]
as they shouted out with glee
Ru Paul you big foot red nose drag queen
[you'll go down in history]
you'll go down in history
Shiny nose, Ru Paul, go down in history

Ru Paul the red-nosed drag queen [drag queen]
Had a very shiny nose
and if you ever saw it [saw it]
you would even say it glows
All of the other drag queens [drag queens]
used to laugh and call her names
They never let poor Ru Paul [Ru Paul]
join in any drag queen games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say
Ru Paul with your nose so bright [so bright]
won't you star in my [show tonight] show tonight
Then how the drag queens loved her [loved her]
as they shouted out with glee
Ru Paul you big foot red nose drag queen
[you'll go down in history]
you'll go down in history
Shiny nose, Ru Paul, go down in history

Ru Paul, so bright, red nose drag queen, go down in history
Ru Paul, so bright, red nose drag queen, go down in history
Ru Paul, so bright, red nose drag queen, go down in history
Ru Paul, so bright, red nose drag queen, go down in history
Ru Paul, so bright, red nose drag queen, go down in history


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The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen

 

The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"
so I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized
I was taken for a ride.
I heard high voices, turned and found
the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.


The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"
it must have been a gag.
As soon as I walked in there,
I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace
and sacked me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.


The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"
and I would like to find,
The crummy little creep who had
the nerve to switch the sign.
Cause I've got two black eyes
and one high-heel up my behind.
Now I can't sit with comfort and joy.
Boy, oh boy.
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.


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The Twelve Days Of Christmas

 

The Spinners

 

 

On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eleven pipers piping,
ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
eleven pipers piping,
ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying,
five golden rings.
Four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree!


 

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There's Something Stuck Up In The Chimney

 

 

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all night long.
Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night
But he never came and it don't seem right.
And there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't make a sound,
But I wish you Merry Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all week long.
Well, the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue
And we don't know what we're going to do.
Cause there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't move around,
And it's been a week since Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all month long.
Well, it's jammed up tight above the fireplace
Now the house smells funny, such a big disgrace.
That there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't talk at all,
And it's been there since last Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all year long.
I'll been waiting up for Santa like I did last year
But my brother says, "He's already here."
And he's stuck up in the chimney
And he doesn't say a word
And he'll be there every Christmas.
And we'll have him every Christmas.





 

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Twelve Days of Christmas

John Denver & The Muppets


On the first day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
A Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the second day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the third day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the fourth day of Christmas

my true love sent to me:
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the fifth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the seventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the eighth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Eight Maids a Milking
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the ninth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a Milking
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the tenth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Ten Lords a Leaping
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a Milking
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Eleven Pipers Piping
Ten Lords a Leaping
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a Milking
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
12 Drummers Drumming
Eleven Pipers Piping
Ten Lords a Leaping
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a Milking
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree


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Twelve Pains of Christmas

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez!
I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
Charities,
And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?
Five months of bills!
Oh, making out these cards
Honey, get me a beer, huh?
What, we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Finding parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers!
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!
Get a job, ya bum!
Oh, facing my in-laws!
Five months of bills!
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!
Charities!
She's a witch...I hate her!
Five months of bills!
Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?
Get a flashlight...I blew a fuse!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking?!?
WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!
Charities!
Gotta make 'em dinner!
Five months of bills!
I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
And finding a Christmas tree



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Walking Around in Women's Underwear

"Lacy things, the wife is missing.
Didn't ask, for her permission
I'm wearing her clothes,
her silk panty hose.
Walking around in women's underwear.

In the store, there's a teddy.
With little straps, like spaghetti.
It holds me so tight,
like handcuffs at night.
Walking around in women's underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin.
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say "Are you ready?"
I'll say, "Whoa man! Lets wait until the wife is out of town."
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress, like Madonna.
Put on some eye shade, and join the parade.
Walking around in women's underwear.

Lacy things, missing.
Didn't ask, permission.
Wearing her clothes, silk panty hose.
Walking around in women's underwear.
Walking around in women's underwear.
Walking around in women's underwear......"



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We Wish You Weren't Living With Us

We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here.

You drive everybody crazy,
You're hopelessly fat and lazy,
You're constantly in the way here,
So pack up your gear. {YEAH!}

You're feeding your face,
You're taking up space,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here. {CLOSE THE REFRIGERATOR!}

Correct us if we're mistaken
But those are long distance calls you're makin'
How long do you plan on takin'
Advantage of us? {PAY UP!!}

We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
Get out of town.
NOW!





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Wish Me a Sober Christmas

[Police Stop My Car]

Police stopped my car, Police stopped my car
The police made me stop, walk a straight line and blow a balloon up
Police stopped my car, Police stopped my car
The police made me stop, walk a straight line and blow a balloon up
They wanna wish me a sober Christmas
That's why they always pull me over Christmas
They say they're just making sure
That there's no open bottles in my car
They wanna wish me a sober Christmas
That's why they always pull me over Christmas
They say they're just making sure
That there's no open bottles in my car
Police road block, Police road block,
Police road block
I can smell their donuts as they smell my breath
Police road block, Police road block,
Police road block
I can smell their donuts as they smell my breath
They wanna wish me a sober Christmas
That's why they always pull me over Christmas
They're gonna let me out on bail this Christmas
From the bottom of their hearts
Police locked me up, Police locked me up,
The Police locked me up, 'cause when I blew, I blew a two point one

 



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Wreck The Malls

Wreck the malls this Christmas season
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;
Blow your cash for no good reason
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Push your charge card to the limit
Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;
Cheque book now has nothing in it.
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;


Wreck the malls with my friend Charlie
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;
Drive to K-Mart on his holly
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Tamper with their muzak system
Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;
Trade something for Twisted Sister
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la.


Wreck the pet store, do some damage
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;
Send the beagles on a rampage
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;
Acting in an uncouth manner
Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;
Drop your pants and moon at Santa
Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la


 


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Yellow Snow!

Oh, the weather outside was whitening
‘Til the dog did something frightening
He’s got no other place to go
Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snow

And he doesn’t show signs of stopping
As he sniffs around his dropping
You see him everywhere you go
In the snow, yellow snow, yellow snow

When he finally goes outside
He’ll be frolicking ‘round in the storm
He’ll be marking our yard with pride
You can tell by the steam that it’s warm

When the snow begins it’s thawing
It reveals those puppy drawings
He’s a frisky little pooch van Gogh
Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snow

Come here, Yeller. Come on boy. Good doggie.

Oh, not on Frosty.

He’ll be marking our yard with pride
You can tell by the steam that it’s warm

Well, he’s happy and his tail starts waggin’
But the snowman’s left side is saggin’
There’s a little puddle right below
Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snow
Yellow snow, yellow snow

Yellow snow
Little patches of yellow snow
Yellow snow
Little patches of where Fido goes

 


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Visit Form St. Nicholson

Twas’ the fright before Christmas No one upset me
With a big bowl of popcorn, watching TV
I stretched, gave a yawn, settled back in my chair.
In hopes that St. Nicholson soon would be there.
The children were lying awake without sleep
They’d seen all his movies; He gives them the creeps.
I’d cued up “Cuckoo’s Nest” with my trusty remote
To the part where he had all the nuts in the boat?
When out in the yard, there arose such a noise
I turned off the TV to see what it was.

And what to my wandering eyes should approach
But the Los Angeles Lakers, and Pat Riley, their coach!
The limo was racing, the team at its heels
That’s when I saw him: the man at the wheel.
He ranted and cursed, and waved round his swizzel stick
And I knew in a second it must be Jack Nick.

More rapid than the Celtics these Lakers they came
He screamed like a mad man and called them by name:
“Now Magic, now Worthy, now Scott, and Kareem.
On Cooper, on Rambis, and the rest of the team.”

Down the chimney St. Nicholson came with a groan.
Then he brushed off the suit and said, “Honey, I’m home.”
He was wearing a trench coat. With beer it was stained.
And his shirt was clawed to shreds by Shirley Maclaine
He had a fat face and a flabby beer belly.
From too many trips to the bar and the deli.
He said, “Its tough when an actor becomes fat and lazy.
I only get calls to play weirdo’s and crazies.
And middle-aged has-been’s with washed up careers.
But I’ll fix them all and play Santa this year!”
And with that, he buried his head in the sack and said,
“Lets see what you get from your old buddy Jack.
A hatchet for Daddy…” He reared back his head.
“To scare all those little buggers upstairs in bed.
And a stiff drink for mommy in a nice tall glass.
She could really use something to kill that bug up her chimney.”
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his face,
he threw all the stockings into the fireplace.
What could I do?
What could I say?
What would I wear on my feet Christmas day?
I asked for a reason,
and turning his head,
he looked straight at me,
and here’s what he said:
“Why? You wanna know why?
Do you REALLY wanna know why, pal?
I’ll tell you why.
When you’re out Christmas shopping.
You know, doing your little “Christmas” things.
With all your little Christmas friends.
Spreadin all that Christmas cheer, with those stupid Christmas songs?
Did you ever stop and think of pickin up a little something for old Jack?
Did you ever stop to think of what Jack might like for Christmas?
You know, Jack. From the movies. UP on the big screen.
Pourin his heart out, givin it everything he’s got, day in and day out,
just tryin as hard as he can to bring a tiny little bit of sunshine
into your miserable little humdrum lives?
Did you ever think of good ole’ Jack? For a second?
NO! Not once!
Maybe old Jack just wasn’t that good.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough in the Postman Always Rings Twice.
Acting my guts out for you in that one.
Cuckoo’s Nest, the Shining, Witches of frickin Eastwick, Prizzi’s frickin Honor.
All for you, Pal. Just to brighten things up for you.
Not good enough though, is it?
No, you want me to brighten up the Christmas season too?
Isn’t that what you want, Pal?

Okay, lets make things real bright around here.
What do you say we decorate the tree?
String up these pretty lights here.
Oh, she’s looking brighter already.
What do you say we take this cute little angel
and ram her on the top branch, huh?
How about some gasoline for the whole thing?
I mean,lets make her just as bright as she can be.
What do you say we light her up and chuck her
through the old picture window here?
No point in having a tree as bright as all that without giving
the neighbours a chance to see, don’t you think?
There, aren’t you glad ole’ Jack stopped by?”
The flames towered brightly in the cold, wintry sky
As he made for his limo and bade his goodbye.
And an age may unfold air I fail to regret
That visit from St. Nicholson, which I’d sooner forget.
But I swear by the goose bumps upon my skin
That I’ll always remember that devilish grin.
And his voice, crying out as he faded from sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and I hope I never see you again
for as long as I live, for crying out loud!”


 


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